Subversive Broccoli and Cheddar Soup – AKA: Just When You Thought it was Healthy, The Cheese Says, Nope!

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When the weather is warmer, mother nature tells you to eat less. It’s hot outside, you don’t want to get bogged down with too much food. How are you going to harvest the corn and tomatoes when you’ve got a belly full of pot roast?

When the weather gets cooler, mother nature draws you to the dark side. You suddenly crave more densely rich foods which paradoxically would give you all the energy to clear and entire field of okra, but instead facilitate your marathon podcast listening sessions.

When you DO succumb, you rationalize the darkness by saying, “Well, if I add some healthy stuff to this fat and calorie laden monstrosity, they equal out, right?” Nope. They don’t. You just happen to get some vitamins in with with your atherosclerosis.

I’m the enabler. I’m your pusher man. Come with me and warm those cooler evenings with some delicious, thick, cheesy goop. Once you have a taste, you’ll want more. It’s ok, just give it to what you really want. The treadmill will be there tomorrow.

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Serving Size: ~6…or 4 Mes

• 3 Cups Broccoli Florets
• 1.5 Cups (12 oz.) Sharp Cheddar Cheese, shredded
• 1 Large Carrot, shredded
• 1 Medium Yellow or Sweet Onion, diced
• 5 Cloves Garlic, minced
• 2 Cups Whole Milk (plus a little more while it’s simmering)
• 2 Cups Chicken Broth (yeah, you can use vegetable)
• 4 Tbsp. Salted Butter
• 1/4 Cup All-Purpose Flour
• 1 tsp. Cayenne Powder
• 1 tsp. Dijon Mustard
• Sea Salt
• Fresh Ground Black Pepper

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1.) Since this is broccoli and cheddar soup, I guess it would be pertinent to begin with the broccoli. It’s easiest to just begin by buying broccoli florets, but if you only have a whole crown of broccoli, trim it into smaller bits, keeping the stems out, and try to keep the florets intact. Put these aside.

2.) Number two on the list, the cheese. Instead of taking the easy route like the broccoli, buy a brick and shred it yourself. It tastes better and melts more easily since it doesn’t have any extra preservatives that they add to shredded cheese so it stays fresh. You’ll be grating for a while, but think of it as a tiny workout to help burn off a minuscule bit of the gigantic quantity of cheese you’ll be consuming. Put that aside in a bowl as well.

3.) Since you’ve got that grater out, cut the tip off the fat end of the carrot(s) and start shredding. You can dice it up if you want, but I prefer the shredded version. Dice up the onion, mince the garlic, and we’re done with the veggie prep.

4.) Take a Dutch oven or stock pot and heat on medium. Add your butter, and once melted, add the onion. Cook for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. You might as well throw in an extra Tbsp. of butter for luck. Stir it in, and throw in your minced garlic. Let that sit there cooking for no more than 1 minute, and then stir it all together. Slowly incorporate the flour while stirring. Add the Cayenne powder and Dijon mustard and stir again.

Now, why the cayenne powder? You might be asking, “I’ve had broccoli and cheddar soup before and it wasn’t spicy, why am I adding cayenne powder?” Well, to answer your question, I wouldn’t be writing this recipe if there wasn’t something extra thrown in. Don’t be scared, put that spice in there, pour your milk in and let that heat up for a couple of moments while you get your broth.

When it comes to the broth, I use chicken broth. Yes, you can use vegetable, but what is this? Are you being “ethical” all of a sudden? One might say, “Hey, this is a vegetable soup.” No it’s not; its got more cheese in it than the size of one of those foam cheese hats people wear at Packers’ games. It comes from a cow whos body’s been artificially tricked into thinking its pregnant 365 days a year. Ethics went out the window a long time ago! It’s time for flavor! Pour it in, you sociopath, and bring the whole thing to a simmer and once again stir it all up to get this ball rolling.

5.) The next two steps are the main event. The first could not be easier. Take your borosilicate, petroleum-based, or metallic-based vessels containing the Brassica oleracea and Daucus carota and vacate said vessels into the simmering gallimaufry, and let them molecularly reconfigure for as long as it takes for light to travel 180 million miles.

Oh, what, you didn’t get all that? Fine. Pour your broccoli and carrots in, and cook in the simmering soup for ten minutes, stirring every couple of minutes.

6.) Finally. The time has come to add the cheese. I would do this in quarters, meaning 1/4 of your load at a time. Pour some in and then stir it until you feel it has incorporated into the soup. This may take a minute or longer each, so be patient. Do this four times to be on your way to cheesy goodness. By this point, the broccoli and carrots will have been cooking for about 15 minutes, meaning they should be done.

Unlike many of my recipes, this one is ready to serve. Like anything else, it WILL taste better a few hours later or overnight, but I don’t feel bad about serving this one immediately. Crack a little pepper on top and serve with some of your favorite bread.